Welcome to Bolton Volume 372

Last Saturday evening I was dropped off in Bolton (following my shock horror record-breaking performance at the Leicester GP – I’m “a new force” apparently) on Bank Street. I jumped out and retrieved my wheelie suitcase from the boot and dragged it uphill to the Horwich-bound bus stops, but found no buses were due for a silly amount of time so quickly elected to pop back down Bank Street to the taxi rank. If you know Bolton at all you will appreciate that to get to the taxi rank you must pass a fine establishment called ‘Diamonds’ which advertises itself on the billboard on the side of the building as a great venue for business and parties, but which is best described as a fully nude lap dancing bar. Fact fans – it’s the place where Erica on BBC’s Castaway 2007 works as a dancer.

As I approach, the 3 bouncers stare at me and keenly greet me, but splutter as I merely say “Evening” back and pass by.

“Sorry, love!” one pipes up, nodding at my suitcase, “We thought you were coming in. To dance.”

Momentarily rendered speechless, I manage to ask, “What? Do they dance round suitcases in there?”

“Nah,” says the chap, “but the girls all bring their own cases; bigger than that like, usually.”

As I walk on, he adds in a mournful tone, “Dunno why – it’s only bras in there, in’t it?”