Thinking too much

I'm feeling all grown up and mature at the moment. This from a girl sporting what can only be described as a lovebite.

I'm also feeling sad. Someone I know is never going to love me, which is awful, and although I know this and I could and should just back off and cut my losses, the very thought of doing so makes breathing difficult and makes my heart hurt. Ouch. So I don't (goddamn it, I have tried). I'm trying. Somebody help me out.

Despite this, I'm feeling rather peaceful. Things are happening. June is bustin' out all over, and it's not even May yet. I think the euphoria and the sadness are middling out into a sort of calm equilibrium, yet not like the doldrums - more like lying back in a rowboat in a lake on a sunny day. Hope there's no undercurrent.

Why don't I feel guilty about this?

Had a few hours work on Monday. Of the kind: Roll up leaflets, band leaflets, assemble postage tube, insert rolled banded leaflets, lid tube, add address sticker, repeat 300 times.

Anyways, I felt ridiculously tired - nothing to do with my birthday on Sunday, obviously - and was in no mood whatsoever to engage in superfluous activity. Including conversation. So I sat there and looked really into my task and probably exchanged a maximum of 5 sentences during the course of the morning.

In the afternoon I heard two people talking about me (not a personal attack or anything) directly behind me and then when someone came up to offer me a cup of tea by walking right into my eyeline, leaning over and saying the words with exaggerated lip movements and mime did I realise that the entire office thought I was deaf. When in fact I was just being ignorant.

I should feel bad about this. But I continued the charade the following day, because I still felt rotten and was never going to suffer fools.